Ivy Schmivey

by Roy Ivy

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(free) 01:52
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(free) 02:33
(free) 02:50
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Cover Art by Genevieve Knapp


released July 27, 2011



all rights reserved


Roy Ivy Chicago, Illinois

Before moving to Chicago, Roy Ivy was a choirboy for The Polyphonic Spree and the drunken oaf leader of the perpetually doomed The Tah-Dahs.

But after a move to Chicago and a heinous divorce, he began compulsively writing and sloppily recording the songs you're hearing on Bandcamp.

"Imagine Jonathan Richman going to the dark side and stealing your drink. That's Roy Ivy"

– David Fricke
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Track Name: Everyone Can Go To Hell (except my baby)
I shit my pants, that ain't no euphemism.
In my defense, I think I'm dying
I stole your girlfriend's soul on the staircase
It was a petty theft, they're giving it away.
I used to try too hard but now i'm just so lazy
in my defense, i think i'm dying
we had a good run, we lived longer than Jesus
we didn't make babies we didn't spread diseases

Oh, hello, you're the only one I want to talk to.
Everyone else can go straight to hell.

I told a joke, just to divide the room,
in my defense, i think i'm dying.

I wanna shoplift, pull off a major grift.
then come around for another sift.
Track Name: Adriane
Wise man said "only fools rush in,"
but dumbasses say that too.
I don't know how I feel about most things,
but I know how I feel about you.
Singles go steady and burst,
and I always catch everyone at their worst,
but I don't just fall in love with anyone, Adriane.

Girls go wild and guys go gay and everyone needs their space.
But anytime that I'm away from you, I just feel so out of place.
I know that you never planned
on the impotent crippled old sham that I am but
I don't just fall in love with anyone, Adriane.

I hope you never wise up.

People change and life gets strange
and angels turn into such jerks.
I'm too set in all my ways, but I still don't know what works.
I knew it right from the start,
that if you broke my heart
it would just break my heart

but I don't just fall in love with anyone Adriane.
Track Name: I Am Madonna
all you little cutie-pooties have got it in for me
and on a kinsey scale, i'm a total three
on a richter scale, you're a total four
i know what's eating gilbert grape
i throw my wine on your floor - oh shit
the list is longer than an alabama spelling bee
the people that i'm praying hard to die before me
the pickle in my pants discriminates the vegan girls
but i don't care i don't wanna be part of your world.
everybody sing, hey, na-na-na
hear it in the back
blahblahblahblah - hey na na na na
don't you know me i'm madonna

every single stinkin moment
of every stinking day
we're praying hard to find a way to simply get away
i'm taking crystal meth, i'm huffing airplane glue
i hear the soft boys singing "I wanna destroy you."

stupid chorus
Track Name: Love, Actually
Something better than a girlfriend
Sweeter than a box of wine
Something more than a feeling
Something scarier than dying
Something more than a mortgage
Something better than a life
Something worth fighting for
Something higher than a good high
Something cuter than a kitty
That my gut adores
Something that I don't doubt
that I can't sleep without.


It's the only thing that makes this whole world bearable.
It's the only thing that makes life less terrible.

Something more than a feeling
Something sweeter than a box of wine.
Something more than a girlfriend.
Something better than a life.

The only thing I know how to do is love you.
Track Name: Guts and Gore
And the car breaks down.
and another good friend hangs himself
and i can't stand this town
but i'm not gonna drink myself to death
we always move to the back of the bus
because we don't forget our manners
and they're rude and fat and gross to us
but we don't forget our manners
let's sit together like the Graduate
In a world of shit and ruts and sluts
We could make it apart but we'd rather not
Well I don’t know about you, but I'd rather not

And if babies weren't annoying then I'd knock you up
And your tits would hit the floor.
If wasn't such a pussy then we'd paint the town
In guts and gore.
Track Name: Kissing Robert Smith
"Show me show me show me how you do that trick,
the one that makes me sick," she said.
Ficka-ficka-ficka-here you are you, stinking up the bar.
Caustic and cryptic, I just can't fake it.
I can't fake it anymore.

It's time to start our celebration.
Hip-hip hooray for disintegration.

Staring at the skeleton of our love,
I can't fake it anymore.
It's such a terrible chore,
just to see you naked.
I can't fake it anymore.

Everything that used to turn me on just turns me off.
Track Name: I Ain't No 4 am Girl
Some people are so used to rejection
That they never even try
But I get sick when I'm second pick
It makes me wanna puke and cry
And if you like me once you get to know me
Well, I'm ain't gonna lie
My first impressions are direct
And my corrections are correct
You missed your chance / the first time

You'll never see me when the bar is closing
Cause I'd rather be alone/than bone
Another functioning alcoholic dillatant
With a disrespectful tone
And all the cattle start to rattle and they shake me from my saddle
With a complimentary "oh my"
But my erections are erect
And my complexion is complex
You missed your chance the first time

You put it all
On the wrong pony
Now you feel phony
And you should be ashamed
I ain't no safety
And I won't settle for Plan B
I ain't no 4 a.m. girl
I ain't no 4 a.m. girl

Have dare you call me this late
I ain't no 4 a.m. girl
Sorry you couldn't find a date
I ain't no 4 a.m. girl
It ain't hard to be romantic
It ain't hard at 4 a.m.
Why don't you show some respect
I ain't no 4 am girl
Why don't you pick up a check
I ain't no 4 am girl
You got no job and you blog
And you really don't think much of me

Shame on me
For being in your black book
Shame on you
For thinking I'd do

The night ain't young and NEITHER ARE YOU
and I'm not the one that you jerk off too
Just forget you ever met me and I hope you die soon
I ain't no 4 am girl
The pickings ain't slim, they're husky goo
You gotta profile pic from 2002
And I wanna hurt your feelings til it cripples you.
I ain’t no 4 am girl.
Track Name: Here Comes the Gloom
And crippling depression ain't crippling enough
I can still pace around the room
And fits of inspiration don't hit like they used to
There's nothing that I can do
Here comes the gloom

Words like abilify sound absurd
I've can pull the straps up my own boots
But beer is all I got
and craftless pot and a girl who gonna wise up soon
Here come the gloom

Hurry up I wanna get on with it
Hurry up I wanna get on with it

Son of a bitch
I did it again
And I jumped right in
Son of a bitch
I did it again
son of a bitch i did i again
i jumped right it with no push
i just did it again, i did it again.

My kitty is so pretty but her asshole's getting gross
I guess that I'm a lousy father too
My tombstone reads
"I'll get around to it"
there's really nothing i can do.
Track Name: Teenage Dream
Hey kids!
Whatcha knowin'?
I hate to see your numbers growing.
At best I hope to punch you in the throat,
because I can't outrun you no more.
Oh I get it,
I get it, got it, got it.
But I just can't stand your generation.
Comprehend it.
I get it got it got it,
but I really wish you'd go.

Because I just can't stand your generation,
but i hope you like me when I die,
and if I ran the doors at the gates of heaven,
everyone would have to wait outside.

Hey kids!
Why are you so loud?
Why are you so proud of being watered down?
Oh I get it.
I get it, got it got it.
But I really wish you'd go.
Track Name: Party in the USA
You ain't getting no sleep tonight
And the kids ain't gonna be alright
You're gonna whine and wince and whinny and snort
emasculation is a national bloodsport
it's already rainin' hell outside,
so doncha bother kneelin'
i got a heart full of hate for you ingrates.
it's much more than a feeling.

i can't dance anymore
i'm not gonna teach you how to party

I lost my b-boy clout
and i ain't no kilgore trout
you give shitty head
like a pitchfork intern sucks in bed
you yankees do it different than we do it here down south
so if you wanna stay alive, you better shut your yankee mouth.
Track Name: Bad Knees
I went out wincing after midnight
And Everything wasn't all right uh-huh
The worst is still ahead
Girlfriend in a kodachroma
Can you smell the thick aroma uh
Bring out your dread
I waked and baked cause I'm grown up now
And I'm harder than a wet towel uh-huh
The worst is still ahead
I'rs not like me to be an Eeyore
But I know what we're in for
Dread. Dread Dread Dread.

The weather's not letting up
It's such a cock tease
While I'm waiting to die
From a curable disease
I'd be thankful for what I've got
If I didn't have bad knees

I'm overdue for one good gravel
To atone for this year's model uh-huh
But the worst is still ahead
I wiped myself with the great American novel
By dread. For Dread. Dread dread. Come on dread

The future looks really good
If you don't mind redundancy
Enduring your own life
Doesn't always make good copy
And I'd carry you through
If I didn't have bad knees
Bad knees telling me winter's never gonna end
Even when the summer sun cooks em sunny side up on the sidewalk, and the beaches are greased by daycationing live stock, and it's hotter than a cheerleader gangbang in Bangkok, Winter's never gonna end.

And they're never gonna bend.