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Ivy Schmivey

by Roy Ivy

/
1.
I shit my pants, that ain't no euphemism. In my defense, I think I'm dying I stole your girlfriend's soul on the staircase It was a petty theft, they're giving it away. I used to try too hard but now i'm just so lazy in my defense, i think i'm dying we had a good run, we lived longer than Jesus we didn't make babies we didn't spread diseases Oh, hello, you're the only one I want to talk to. Everyone else can go straight to hell. I told a joke, just to divide the room, in my defense, i think i'm dying. I wanna shoplift, pull off a major grift. then come around for another sift.
2.
Adriane 02:37
Wise man said "only fools rush in," but dumbasses say that too. I don't know how I feel about most things, but I know how I feel about you. Singles go steady and burst, and I always catch everyone at their worst, but I don't just fall in love with anyone, Adriane. Girls go wild and guys go gay and everyone needs their space. But anytime that I'm away from you, I just feel so out of place. I know that you never planned on the impotent crippled old sham that I am but I don't just fall in love with anyone, Adriane. I hope you never wise up. People change and life gets strange and angels turn into such jerks. I'm too set in all my ways, but I still don't know what works. I knew it right from the start, that if you broke my heart it would just break my heart but I don't just fall in love with anyone Adriane.
3.
I Am Madonna 02:14
all you little cutie-pooties have got it in for me and on a kinsey scale, i'm a total three on a richter scale, you're a total four i know what's eating gilbert grape i throw my wine on your floor - oh shit the list is longer than an alabama spelling bee the people that i'm praying hard to die before me the pickle in my pants discriminates the vegan girls but i don't care i don't wanna be part of your world. everybody sing, hey, na-na-na hear it in the back blahblahblahblah - hey na na na na don't you know me i'm madonna every single stinkin moment of every stinking day we're praying hard to find a way to simply get away i'm taking crystal meth, i'm huffing airplane glue i hear the soft boys singing "I wanna destroy you." stupid chorus
4.
Something better than a girlfriend Sweeter than a box of wine Something more than a feeling Something scarier than dying Something more than a mortgage Something better than a life Something worth fighting for Something higher than a good high Something cuter than a kitty That my gut adores Something that I don't doubt that I can't sleep without. Love. It's the only thing that makes this whole world bearable. It's the only thing that makes life less terrible. Something more than a feeling Something sweeter than a box of wine. Something more than a girlfriend. Something better than a life. The only thing I know how to do is love you.
5.
And the car breaks down. and another good friend hangs himself and i can't stand this town but i'm not gonna drink myself to death we always move to the back of the bus because we don't forget our manners and they're rude and fat and gross to us but we don't forget our manners let's sit together like the Graduate In a world of shit and ruts and sluts We could make it apart but we'd rather not Well I don’t know about you, but I'd rather not And if babies weren't annoying then I'd knock you up And your tits would hit the floor. If wasn't such a pussy then we'd paint the town In guts and gore.
6.
"Show me show me show me how you do that trick, the one that makes me sick," she said. Ficka-ficka-ficka-here you are you, stinking up the bar. Caustic and cryptic, I just can't fake it. I can't fake it anymore. It's time to start our celebration. Hip-hip hooray for disintegration. Staring at the skeleton of our love, I can't fake it anymore. It's such a terrible chore, just to see you naked. I can't fake it anymore. Everything that used to turn me on just turns me off.
7.
Some people are so used to rejection That they never even try But I get sick when I'm second pick It makes me wanna puke and cry And if you like me once you get to know me Well, I'm ain't gonna lie My first impressions are direct And my corrections are correct You missed your chance / the first time You'll never see me when the bar is closing Cause I'd rather be alone/than bone Another functioning alcoholic dillatant With a disrespectful tone And all the cattle start to rattle and they shake me from my saddle With a complimentary "oh my" But my erections are erect And my complexion is complex You missed your chance the first time You put it all On the wrong pony Now you feel phony And you should be ashamed I ain't no safety And I won't settle for Plan B I ain't no 4 a.m. girl I ain't no 4 a.m. girl Have dare you call me this late I ain't no 4 a.m. girl Sorry you couldn't find a date I ain't no 4 a.m. girl It ain't hard to be romantic It ain't hard at 4 a.m. Why don't you show some respect I ain't no 4 am girl Why don't you pick up a check I ain't no 4 am girl You got no job and you blog And you really don't think much of me Shame on me For being in your black book Shame on you For thinking I'd do The night ain't young and NEITHER ARE YOU and I'm not the one that you jerk off too Just forget you ever met me and I hope you die soon I ain't no 4 am girl The pickings ain't slim, they're husky goo You gotta profile pic from 2002 And I wanna hurt your feelings til it cripples you. I ain’t no 4 am girl.
8.
And crippling depression ain't crippling enough I can still pace around the room And fits of inspiration don't hit like they used to There's nothing that I can do Here comes the gloom Words like abilify sound absurd I've can pull the straps up my own boots But beer is all I got and craftless pot and a girl who gonna wise up soon Here come the gloom Hurry up I wanna get on with it Hurry up I wanna get on with it Son of a bitch I did it again And I jumped right in Son of a bitch I did it again son of a bitch i did i again i jumped right it with no push i just did it again, i did it again. My kitty is so pretty but her asshole's getting gross I guess that I'm a lousy father too My tombstone reads "I'll get around to it" there's really nothing i can do.
9.
Hey kids! Whatcha knowin'? I hate to see your numbers growing. At best I hope to punch you in the throat, because I can't outrun you no more. Oh I get it, I get it, got it, got it. But I just can't stand your generation. Comprehend it. I get it got it got it, but I really wish you'd go. Because I just can't stand your generation, but i hope you like me when I die, and if I ran the doors at the gates of heaven, everyone would have to wait outside. Hey kids! Why are you so loud? Why are you so proud of being watered down? Oh I get it. I get it, got it got it. But I really wish you'd go.
10.
You ain't getting no sleep tonight And the kids ain't gonna be alright You're gonna whine and wince and whinny and snort emasculation is a national bloodsport it's already rainin' hell outside, so doncha bother kneelin' i got a heart full of hate for you ingrates. it's much more than a feeling. i can't dance anymore i'm not gonna teach you how to party I lost my b-boy clout and i ain't no kilgore trout you give shitty head like a pitchfork intern sucks in bed you yankees do it different than we do it here down south so if you wanna stay alive, you better shut your yankee mouth.
11.
Bad Knees 02:55
I went out wincing after midnight And Everything wasn't all right uh-huh The worst is still ahead Girlfriend in a kodachroma Can you smell the thick aroma uh Bring out your dread I waked and baked cause I'm grown up now And I'm harder than a wet towel uh-huh The worst is still ahead I'rs not like me to be an Eeyore But I know what we're in for Dread. Dread Dread Dread. The weather's not letting up It's such a cock tease While I'm waiting to die From a curable disease I'd be thankful for what I've got If I didn't have bad knees I'm overdue for one good gravel To atone for this year's model uh-huh But the worst is still ahead I wiped myself with the great American novel By dread. For Dread. Dread dread. Come on dread The future looks really good If you don't mind redundancy Enduring your own life Doesn't always make good copy And I'd carry you through If I didn't have bad knees Bad knees telling me winter's never gonna end Even when the summer sun cooks em sunny side up on the sidewalk, and the beaches are greased by daycationing live stock, and it's hotter than a cheerleader gangbang in Bangkok, Winter's never gonna end. And they're never gonna bend.

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Cover Art by Genevieve Knapp

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released July 27, 2011

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Roy Ivy Butte, montana

Drinking songs and sing-alongs: that's Roy Ivy's specialty .If you haven't seen him dancing and sloshing about Butte, America, you may have met him in his past lives as a Chicago troubadour. Or maybe you met him in Dallas, where he ran The Tah-Dahs off a cliff, and stupidly quit The Polyphonic Spree before they toured with Bowie.

New songs coming by the end of 2023.
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